Untitled

Rest for the Weary

Dear Visitor,

The name of this page comes from a chapter title in the doctoral dissertation of an old friend of mine. A little over 30 years ago, my friend was typing (yes, typing! By hand! No secretary and no word processor!) his dissertation in chemistry at MIT. The thing was over 200 pages long filled with tables, equations, figures, and dense text. When it was nearly complete, he discovered to his horror that he had misnumbered the pages. There were three pages too many. Now today this would mean very little. One simply needs to tell the word processor to repaginate before printing the final draft, but at that time and place it meant that the whole thing would have to be redone (by hand!). The MIT graduate school required a letter perfect manuscript.

My imaginative friend solved the problem by inserting a three page chapter named "Rest for the Weary." In his dissertation this chapter contained several short poems and a few rambling thoughts on the world situation. However, here I want this page to contain a collection of humorous stuff dealing with chemistry or science in a broad sense. I encourage readers of this page to send me additional contributions of an appropriate nature.

Here are a few items to start things off:

How to change a light bulb. This issue has plagued humanity since Edison invented the thing. Some scientific solutions are below.

How many high energy physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
It takes 200. Exactly 136 to smash it to subatomic fragments and 64 to analyze them.
How many survivors of nuclear war does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Who needs a light bulb when you already glow in the dark?
How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb?
One, with 95% confidence---or one on average.
How many consulting scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. That will be $500 please.
How many Marxist economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. The bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That is a hardware problem.
How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
Change a light bulb? What's wrong with the dark?
[This one is for faculty] How many deans does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to tell the faculty that everything possible is being done while the other tries to screw the new bulb into the faucet
How many physicians does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends whether the bulb has health insurance or not.
How many biochemists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Biochemists use enzymes for everything.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb must want to change.

These were submitted as translations of common statements in scientific papers. You should be able to make use of many of them in lab reports, etc.

"It has long been known..."
I didn't look up the original references

"A definite trend is evident..."
This data is practically meaningless

"Of great theoretical and practical importance..."
Interesting to me

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions..."
An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study..."
The results of the others didn't make any sense

"Typical results are shown..."
The best results are shown

"These results will be shown in a subsequent report..."
I might get around to this if I'm pushed

"The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones..."
He was my graduate assistant

"It is believed that..."
I think

"It is generally believed that..."
A couple of other guys think so, too

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of the phenomenon occurs..."
I don't understand it

"Correct within an order of magnitude..."
Wrong

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field...
This is a lousy paper, but so are all the others on this miserable topic

"A careful analysis of obtainable data..."
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over my beer

"Reasonable order of magnitude..."
Wild guess

"Non-trivial problem..."
It doesn't work, but if we throw enough money at it, something's bound to happen

"Within the current state of the art..."
Maybe we can do it

"On the leading edge of technology..."
It ought to be possible - send more money!

"Given a reasonable preventive maintenance program..."
Buy our service contract

The following are translations of what your professor really means. (Thanks Juan)

What The Professor Really Means, by J. Timothy Petersik [from the Chronicle of Higher Education]

Statement	Real Meaning
You'll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field.	I used it as a grad student.
If you follow these few simple rules, you'll do fine in the course.	If you don't need any sleep, you'll do fine in the course.
The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important.	I don't understand the details either.
Various authorities agree that…	My hunch is that...
The answer to your question is beyond the scope of this class.	I don't know.
You'll have to see me during my office hours for a thorough answer to your question.	I don't know.
In answer to your question, you must recognize that there are several disparate points of view.	I really don't know.
Today we are going to discuss a most important topic.	Today we are going to discuss my dissertation.
Unfortunately, we haven't the time to consider all of the people who made contributions to this field.	I disagree with what roughly half of the people in this field have said.
We can continue this discussion outside of class.	1. I'm tired of this - let's quit. 2. You're winning the argument - let's quit
Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience.	I stayed out too late last night and didn't have time to prepare a lecture.
Any questions?	I'm ready to let you go.
The implications of this study are clear.	I don't know what it means either, but there'll be a question about it on the test.
The test will be 50-questions multiple choice. Plus three short-answer questions…	The test will be 60-questions, multiple guess (1000 words or more) and no one will score above 55 per cent.
The test scores were generally good.	Some of you managed a C+.
The test scores were a little below my expectations.	Where was the party last night?
Some of you could have done better.	Everyone flunked.
Before we begin the lecture for today, are there any questions about previous material?	Has anyone opened the book yet?
According to my sources...	According to the guy who taught this class last year...
It's been very rewarding to teach this class.	I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.

The following are noteworthy quotes from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college [ASU] students :)

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
"Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

I just received these two via email (Thanks, Wendi)

Two Helium atoms were walking down the street and went into a bar. They sat down at the bar and one said: "Great! I've just lost an electron!" The second Helium atom replied: "Are you sure?" The first Helium atom answered: "I'm positive!"
A neutron went into a bar and ordered a mixed drink. When it came he asked how much it was, to which the bartender replied, "It'll be no charge to you!"

This came via email on September 28 (Thanks, John)

Twinkie Failure Testing

(reprinted from SPY magazine, July 1989) In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments:

------------------------------------------------------------------------

(makes me wonder why people still eat these)

EXPOSURE:

A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for four days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds -- even pigeons --avoided this potential source of sustenance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling, however, retained its advertised "creaminess."

RADIATION:

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After 1 minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes, 10 seconds, when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment. This Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity; it was removed only upon application of a butter knife.

EXTREME FORCE:

A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected "splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside. Otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.

EXTREME COLD:

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had noticeably "slowed": the filling was found to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was noticed that the Twinkie had generously absorbed freezer odors.

EXTREME HEAT:

A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however, produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed during the irradiation experiment.

IMMERSION:

A Twinkie was dropped into a large beaker filled with tap water. The Twinkie floated momentarily, began to list anof a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as "food." Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can be drawn.

This was submitted by Misty via email:

"There are two guys, one with a doberman pinscher and one with a chihuahua. The guy with the doberman says to the guy with the chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The other guy says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restuarant and the guy with the doberman puts on a pair of dark sun glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry Mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the doberman says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A doberman?" "Oh yes," the other replied, "they're using them now. They are really very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

Now the guy with the chihuahua figures, "What the heck?" so he puts on a pair of dark sun glasses and starts to walk in. The door guy says, "Sorry pal, no pets allowed." The chihuahua guy says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog." The doorman says, "A chihuahua?" The guy with the dog says, "You mean they gave me a chihuahua?"

I received this via email today (10-2-97…thanks Deborah)

(This is a true story:)

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. They did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid "A". These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus.

The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final.

The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 Points. It was something simple about Molarity & Solutions.

"Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were not prepared, however, for what they saw on this page. It said: ( for 95 Points) -- Which tire ??_____________

Via email yesterday. 10-16-97 (Thanks Deborah)

A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor were walking through the city park when they found an antique oil lamp. They rubbed on the lamp until a Genie appeared in a puff of smoke.

The Genie said, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" said the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous dude who sunbathes naked."

Poof! Her wish came true and she ended up in the Bahamas.

"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other."

Poof! He immediately appeared in Hawaii.

"You're next," the Genie said to the professor.

The professor said, "I want both those students back in the lab after lunch."

Via Email November 2, 1997 (Thanks Weez)

Administratium

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered.

The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact. According to the discoverers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally occur in less than 1 second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately 3 years. At this time it doesn't actually decay but instead undergoes reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increased after each reorganization.

Researchers at other laboratories indicated that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as universities, government agencies, large corporations, and schools. The element can be found in the newest, best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results are not promising.

Keep fighting the spread of this deadly element.

Via email 11-18-97 (Thanks Matt)

The graduate with a Chemistry degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with that?"
Organic chemistry is the study of carbon compounds,

biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that wriggle.

Ivan Ivanovich, great russian Scientist does an experiment. He wants to know how fast a thermometer falls down. He takes a thermometer and a light, a candle light. He drops both from the 3rd floor and recognices that they are reaching the ground at the same time. Ivan Ivanovich, great russian scientific writes in his book: A theomometer falls with the speed of light.

A student is sitting his Physics exam, and quite an important one at that---maybe his final degree paper or his Oxford Entrance. Anyway, one of the questions on the paper was to the effect of: ``Q: How could one measure the height of a building using a barometer?'' Being a wit, in the exam this chap puts:

``A: Drop the barometer from the top of the building and time its descent. Using the formula `s = ut + a(t^2)/2' and knowing `a' which is `g' we can calculate the height of the building with reasonable accuracy.'' He then goes on to describe in more detail the method he would use.

The examiners were a little concerned. Here was one of their star students giving an answer they hadn't at all expected. So they decided to call him in and give him an oral test to decide whether or not to allow the answer which they did admit was perfectly valid.

So they called him in and told him he had 15 minutes to make his case.

For ten minutes he said nothing but scribbled away furiously. After these ten minutes the atmosphere was getting a little tense---this was meant to be an oral after all, and his degree (or whatever) depended on it. When they pointed this out to him he said that he was just trying to get his thoughts in order as there were so many possible solutions. Here are some of the ones he came up with:

``1: What you wanted me to do, of course, was measure air pressure at the top and bottom of the building, and from the difference and knowing the pressure exerted by a column of air of unit height I should be able to calculate the height of the building. But I thought that would be terribly inaccurate and the answer I gave in the exam and the following ones are all potentially more accurate.

2: Measure the length of shadow cast by the bulding and by the barometer on a sunny day. Knowing the actual height of the barometer one can compute the height of the building.

3: Tie the barometer to the end of a long bit of string and lower the barometer from the top of the building to the ground. Measure the amount of string payed out and you have the height of the building.''

He then gave several more but ended with:

``The best method by far, though, would be to go to the building's janitor and say `If I give you this shiny new scientific barometer will you tell me how high this building is?' ''

The student passed his exam.

[For another version of this tale, see the entry for March 10, 2000 further down.]

Christmas on the Enterprise D

[Received via email 11-26-97.…Thanks Richard!]

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship

Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip:

The phasers were hung in the armory securely,

In hope that no alien would get up that early.

The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks

(Except for the few who were partying drunks)

And Picard in his nightshirt, and Bev in her lace,

Had just settled down for a neat face to face. . .

When out in the hall there arose such a racket,

That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pant and jacket.

Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,

Leapt into the turbos and shouted "Deck One!"

The bridge red-alert lights, which flashed through the din,

Gave a lustre of Hades to objects within.

When, what on the viewscreen, our eyes should behold,

But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old.

But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,

That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.

His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.

Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name:

"It's Riker, It's Data, It's Worf and Jean-Luc!

It's Geordi, Weasley, the genetic fluke!

To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hull!

Now float away! Float away! Float away all!"

As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street,

So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,

And up to the ceiling, our bodies they flew,

As the captain called out, 'what the Hell is this, Q?!"

And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.

The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.

Then Q, dressed in fur from head to toe,

Appeared once again, to continue the show.

"That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"

And Riker said, "Worf, take aim at this dunce!"

"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc,' replied Q,

"I just wanted to celebrate Christmas with you."

As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.

He dumped out the contents and took a step back.

"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.

There's someting delightful for everyone here."

He sat on the floor, and dug into the pile,

And handed out gifts with his most charming smile:

"For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain,

Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.

For Worf I've some mints, as his breath's not too great

And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.

For Weasley, some hormones, and Clearasil-plus;

For Data, a joke book, for Riker a truss.

For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,

And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of just seeing her that way."

And he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,

And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.

But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight.

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"

More Christmas Stuff! Received via email December 15, 1997. (Thanks Mandi)

SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them --- Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance -- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Merry Christmas!

Received via email 2-27-98 (Thanks Misty)

A chemistry professor was very strict about attendance, and despised tardiness. Every student caught arriving to class late (especially those interrupting his lecture) was quickly reprimanded in front of the whole class. Students were quick to comment on the professor's genetics.

One day a student entered through the front doors of the lecture hall, while the prof was writing notes on the chalkboard. The professor caught the student out of the corner of his eye (this acute sense of peripheral vision, further supported the rumours of his evolution), and turned to face the student. He demanded, "What do you think you're doing?"

Being a science student, one naturally thinks quickly, so the student snapped up and replied, "I came down from the back to get a better look at the board." The prof smiled.

Received via email March 11, 1998

>A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Received via email March 25, 1998

This story is reproduced without any theological intent or bias. It is reproduced as received.

A true story. A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

It was not revealed what grade the student got.

This is a variation on the same tale:

(Thanks, Courtney)

This is a true story. This is reported by a graduate of the Univ. of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, citing one of Dr. Schlambaugh's Final Test questions for his final exam of 1997. Dr. Schlambaugh is known for asking questions like this one on his final exam, "Why do airplanes fly?" In May 1997, the Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II Final exam question was, "Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof". Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Laws or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So at what rate are souls moving into Hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell it does not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of the religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of the change in the volume in Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay a1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and the pressure in hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. Or a2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa Banyan during Freshman year, that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still haveNOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then A2 cannot be true . . . . .

Thus Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A

Received via email April 28, 1998

Dr. Keller,

Here are a couple sets of jokes about chickens crossing the road and sports scholarship (oxymoron). I received these in an e-mail a while ago and thought that you might like them.

Mike [Thanks Mike]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

From the Human Resources/Training Perspective:

The chicken had a vision. The chicken was proficient in the core competencies necessary to implement the plan and make the vision reality.

Pat Buchanan:

To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Machiavelli:

The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.

Thomas de Torquemada:

Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary:

Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Carl Jung:

The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

John Locke:

Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

Albert Camus:

It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

The Bible:

And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Fox Mulder:

It was a government conspiracy.

Freud:

The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Darwin:

Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

Darwin #2:

It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Richard M. Nixon:

The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Oliver Stone:

The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Jerry Seinfeld:

Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

The Pope:

That is only for God to know.

Louis Farrakhan:

The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

Martin Luther King, Jr.:

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Immanuel Kant:

The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

Grandpa Simpson:

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective):

I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.

Bill Gates:

I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.

M.C.Escher:

That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

George Orwell:

Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.

Colonel Sanders:

I missed one?

Plato:

For the greater good.

Aristotle:

To actualize its potential.

Karl Marx:

It was a historical inevitability.

Nietzsche:

Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

B.F. Skinner:

Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.

Jean-Paul Sartre:

In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Albert Einstein:

Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends uponp>Dr. Seuss:

Did the chicken cross the road?

Did he cross it with a toad?

Yes the chicken crossed the road,

but why it crossed it, I've not been told!

O.J.:

It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

Subject: FW: WHY SPORTS SCHOLARSHIP IS AN OXYMORON (fwd)

> "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"

> -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

> "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

> -- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

> "You guys line up alphabetically by height"

> -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

> "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

> -- Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements

> "I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class."

> -- George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

> "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

> -- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

> "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

> -- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

> "The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see the game anymore." --

> --Yogi Berra

> "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

> -- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

> "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

>-- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

Received 8/28/98. First Contribution for Fall 1998 (thanks DLO):

How To Do Homework (The Proper Way). . .

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him.

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. . You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it-- I mean it! As soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.

10. Listen to the other side.

11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.

13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.

15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:

a) Pro Bowler's Tour

b) any movie starring Don Ameche.

c) Star Trek

16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.

18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.

24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

25. Lie face down on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs.

26. Leap up and write the paper.

27. Type the paper.

28. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write the paper.

Received Sept.7, 1998 (Thanks Conor!)

How many ASU freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They don't offer that course until sophomore year!!

Received via email Sept. 14, 1998 (Thanks Jenna)

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. Cause excessive sweating and vomiting.

2. It is a major component in acid rain.

3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state.

4. Accidental inhalation can kill you.

5. It contributes to erosion.

6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes.

7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients.

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided and only one knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

He feels the conclusion is obvious.

Editor’s note: We recently came across a web site dedicated to informing the public about the dangers of this insidious and harmful substance. You owe it to yourself to check it out thoroughly and carefully. PCK

Received via Email Oct. 1, 1998 (Thanks Sarah)

Some believe that the world converting to the metric system would greatly simplify our measures. But look what would really happen to our old clichés...

* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.

* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.

* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.

* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.

* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.

* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

Received via Email October 5, 1998 (Thanks Sarah)

[Note: Text reproduced without editing. No responsibility is taken by me for the possibly sexist content. PCK]

ELEMENTS

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Received via email October 30, 1998. (Thanks, Dom)

YOU MIGHT BE A PHYSICS MAJOR...

if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
if you enjoy pain.
if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major.
if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
if you always do homework on Friday nights.
if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
if you think in "math."
if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
if you have a pet named after a scientist.
if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
if you can translate English into Binary.
if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
if you understood more than five of these indicators.
if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

Received via Email Thursday, November 19, 1998 (Thanks Hugo)

If IBM made toasters...

They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Apple made toasters...

It would do everything the Microsoft toasters does, but 5 years earlier.

If Microsoft made toasters...

Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want the toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to found out who made them.

Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

Received via Email Thursday, November 19, 1998 (Thanks Marjorie)

[Dr. Keller means no offense to the UA College of Engineering.]

Comprehending Engineers-Take One

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

********************************

Comprehending Engineers-Take Two

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark $1

Knowing where to put it $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

**********************************

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

*********************************

Comprehending Engineers-Take Four

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree Asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

*********************************

Comprehending Engineers-Take Five

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

********************************

Comprehending Engineers-Take Six

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

*********************************

Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven

An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a great bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.' "

The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

*********************************

LEMON SQUEEZER

The local restaurant was so sure that its host was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The host would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

Then one day, this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the host said "OK," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the host paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

****************************************

This Engineer story is from 94.9 MIXfm Net Jokes:

There were these three engineers…

…in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"

Received via Personal Communication November 27, 1998 (Thanks M)

[These questions and their answers originally referred to a post-secondary school located roughly 120 miles north of Tucson. The name of this school has been replaced by XXXX so that the reader may substitute his/her favorite designation.]

How do you get an XXXX graduate off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
What do you get when you drive slowly by the XXXX campus?
A degree.
What do you get when you breed a groundhog with an XXXX football player?
Six more weeks of bad football.
How many XXXX freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a second-year course.
What does the average XXXX football player get on his SATs?
Drool.
Do you know why the XXXX football team should change its name to the "Opossums?"
Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
The XXXX football team was placed in a remedial English class, "Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?"
All the players raised their hands. "The appeal," they all shouted with pride.
What do you call a person from XXXX in a three-piece suit?
The defendant.
Why is it that the XXXX football team doesn't have a web site?
They can't string three "W's" together.

Received via Email December 1, 1998 (Thanks Da)

The Night Before Finals

Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
would loosen up their thinking.

In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur,
I just couldn't study.

"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.

I'd nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades had in school.

When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off
Ambled inside.

His spirit was careless,
His manner was mellow,
He started to bellow:

"What kind of student
Would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers
What they tossed at us?"

"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year's Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!"

His message delivered,
He vanished from sight,
But we hearew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But, the Accountant said his could do better. He called his dog and said ^"Slide Rule, do your stuff". Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But, the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said "Beaker, do your stuff". Beaker got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave.

This one arrived along with the previous one. It nearly crashed my spell-checker!

Euro-Language Proposal

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f" This will make words like ~ 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful,and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th" by "z" and "w" by "v"

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vii be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vii find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

This arrived by email on Feb. 2, 1999 (Thanks DLO)

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten

2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3

3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite

4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride

5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11

6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11

7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde

8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein

9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao

10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

This came via email on Feb. 18, 1999 (Thanks Stacy!)

HoW To KeEp A hEaLtHy LeVeL Of InSaNiTy AnD dRiVe OtHeR PeOpLe iNsAnE...

***********************************************

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.

Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Insist that your e-mail address be: xena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the breakroom. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.

Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

Dont use any punctuation

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what sex they are.

At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

***AnD tHe FiNaL WaY tO aNnOy PeOple***:

Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

This one came from jokeaday.com (3-4-99)

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."

From Same Source (3-25-99)

A student reports for his final exam. The exam consists of nothing but True / False type answers.

He takes his seat, gets the test, stares at the questions for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin, and starts tossing the coin. For "Heads" he marks "True" and for "Tails" he marks "False".

Within half an hour, the student is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, a little alarmed, walks over to him and asks him if he's ok.

The student spits out, "Yeah, I'm ok. I finished my exam in half an hour -- but I'm not going to have time to check all of these answers!!!"

This was received via email today (4-19-99, Thanks M.)

Navajo Wisdom

About 1969 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface.

Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.

Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel.

The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.

Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate.

Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."

Received via Email May 3, 1999. (Thanks C)

One Liners…

Make it idiot proof, and someone will make a better idiot.

Never attribute to malice that which can be attributed to stupidity.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

It's never as easy as the manual says it is.

I think, therefore I'm overqualified.

A single fact can ruin a good argument.

Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.

My friend's a workaholic - you mention work, he gets drunk.

The light at the end of the tunnel is often an oncoming train..

Monday's a terrible way to spend one seventh of your life.

MONEY TALKS ... but all mine ever says is GOODBYE.

Some call me a pain in the neck. Others have a lower opinion.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

Never try to out-stubborn a cat.

Sure I'm weird-but I'm saving up for eccentric.

If we all toss in our two cents-can we send out for pizza??

Death is not the worst of things, and life is not the best.

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

It's interesting that Eve was not surprised to hear a snake speak.

If at first you don't succeed, try second, third or shortstop.

First we give you a fair trial. Then we hang you.

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Advertising is the art of making whole lies out of half truths.

Limit Congressmen to 2 terms. ..one<